Screwed Up
It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y.
Sounds like you overdid again, Steve. Hope you feel better soon. Connie "Steven A. Young" <say309@... It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y. Connie Turner
Hell, I over do it all the time. I think this is why I am not healing rite. Every time I start to feel good I forget about my surgery and go out and give it hell. I feel great while I am working but tire quickly. When I come inside and set down the pain sets in and my arms don`t want to work.It will take me 3 days till I feel good again. I think I need rehab every day to get back in shape. I am not getting anywhere sitting for 3 days after a work out. If you want, you can shower at my house. I don`t mind cleaning up water. Just let me know when you are comeing so I can install my cam corder. Steve Y. [INLINE] connie Turner <connieque@... Sounds like you overdid again, Steve. Hope you feel better soon. Connie "Steven A. Young" <say309@... It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y. Connie Turner
Steve, The little "devil" symbol next to your signature says it all.... Those of us who've gotten to know you thru your posts over the last few months are probably chuckling because we know you are harmless. Heck, you've TOLD us yourself that you are...:0) You're probably freaking the newcomers out though! LOL! Connie Steven Young <say309@... Hell, I over do it all the time. I think this is why I am not healing rite. Every time I start to feel good I forget about my surgery and go out and give it hell. I feel great while I am working but tire quickly. When I come inside and set down the pain sets in and my arms don`t want to work.It will take me 3 days till I feel good again. I think I need rehab every day to get back in shape. I am not getting anywhere sitting for 3 days after a work out. If you want, you can shower at my house. I don`t mind cleaning up water. Just let me know when you are comeing so I can install my cam corder. Steve Y. [INLINE] connie Turner <connieque@... Sounds like you overdid again, Steve. Hope you feel better soon. Connie "Steven A. Young" <say309@... It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y. Connie Turner Connie Turner
Connie: I have noticed that not to many people respond to my posts. Once again I feel left out and all alone. Just like when I was young and in school. I know that I have mental problems and can`t seem to get along with other people. This dam diabetes is eating away at me little by little every day. The feeling is gone in my whole body. If I touch her boob, it feels like a water baloon. If I hug her when she is naked it feels like I am huging a rubber doll. I can`t feel the spark anymore. This is why I have no intrest in sex anymore.I know I should have and it is eating me alive. I had no pain when I had my HA and no pain after surgery. Diabetes is slowley killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. From what my mother did to me as a small child it is no wounder that I do not think or act like a normal person. For 2 years I was beaten every day and still carry the scars. One day my body had had enough and the pain stoped, I was numb from her beatings. I would cry no more. This realy pissed her off and she would beat me harder but still I would not cry. One day dad finaly seen the cuts and bruses and knocked the shit out of her and the beatings stoped. But I am still numb today. Then she started with the poison. She even took my medicine pills apart and put Thorizine in my pills. I almost died. Every day I woke up I had to be on guard as to what she was going to try next. She tryied to make me drink bleach, draino and rat poison and broke every toy I ever had. She would try to twist off my private parts as a small child and beat me there all the time. I can set here all nite telling you things that she did to me. Now can anyone see why I am a little crazy today.Life has delt me a bad hand in the game of life and I must play with what I have been delt. Humor and laffter and are my only way to deal with what she did to me. She destroyed my life and I must pick up the pieces that are left and try to move on.If the rest of the groupe does not like me talking off subject, Tough shit. I find talking about it verry helpful getting this off my chest. Steve Y. connie Turner <connieque@... Steve, The little "devil" symbol next to your signature says it all.... Those of us who've gotten to know you thru your posts over the last few months are probably chuckling because we know you are harmless. Heck, you've TOLD us yourself that you are...:0) You're probably freaking the newcomers out though! LOL! Connie Steven Young <say309@... Hell, I over do it all the time. I think this is why I am not healing rite. Every time I start to feel good I forget about my surgery and go out and give it hell. I feel great while I am working but tire quickly. When I come inside and set down the pain sets in and my arms don`t want to work.It will take me 3 days till I feel good again. I think I need rehab every day to get back in shape. I am not getting anywhere sitting for 3 days after a work out. If you want, you can shower at my house. I don`t mind cleaning up water. Just let me know when you are comeing so I can install my cam corder. Steve Y. [INLINE] connie Turner <connieque@... Sounds like you overdid again, Steve. Hope you feel better soon. Connie "Steven A. Young" <say309@... It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y. Connie Turner Connie Turner
Steve, It doesn't bother me at all. And as a victim of child sexual abuse at the hands of my father, I TOTALLY understand how it helps to let it all out here! Remember the other day when I told you that you had a book to write and should get help in doing just that? Thought possibly Oprah, or someone like her could help? Well, I hope this doesn't piss you off, but I wrote a short email last week to her staff and told them that a man in this group had such a horror story that should be told. In the form I filled out, I gave them your name and email address. I'm sure they get contacted by thousands everyday, and nothing may ever come of it......but if you do get an email from their producers, that's why. If they do contact you, whether or not you go into detail with them, or even talk to them at all is entirely up to you. But I do think you need to be a voice against what has happened to you. I do think yours is a story that needs to be heard, and like I said....it sounds like a made for TV movie for you! On the slim chance they do contact you......the ball is in your court about what you decide to do. I only know that I know what abuse is like...I lived it. But had mine been that bad, I would have killed either myself, or my abuser. Believe me...when my sister and I finally talked to each other about what had happened to us when we were younger, we were both in our 20's. We broke down and cried; neither of us knew it was happening to the other. We each thought that he just hated only us of the 4 children. I was surprised to learn that the thoughts I had had about either suicide or murder to escape the abuse, were thoughts she lived with too. And I felt such horrible guilt that I was 5 years older than her, and he didn't start in on her until I was 16 and finally put a stop to most of the abuse by threatening to tell if he didn't stop. And, that's when he started in on her. He hid behind the church to do his evil deeds. In the eyes of the community, he was perfect. It was a small town, and the same people who were my teachers, attended church with us. There was no one I could turn to whom I thought would believe me, and back then, no organizations to contact like "hot lines" to report it. I lived in fear of living with it, and I lived in fear of telling and no one believing me...or telling, and being split up from my siblings in foster care. And it was true....not even my own brothers believed me and my sister when we finally warned them because one brother had a little girl. We wanted him to keep her away from him. For 11 years, I was the only one of the 4 siblings who had a little girl, and I knew to keep her away from him. My sister had 2 boys; my brother who just passed away had only one boy, and the brother we sought to warn, had a little boy, later divorced and married a woman with 2 little boys, and then together had a little girl. And my abuse was no where near what you endured. My heart goes out to you. If by a slim chance they do contact you, that's up to you what you do about telling the story. But, I think it would help not only you to finally get it off your chest....but many other children who might come forward if they hear your story. Like I said, you need a ghost writer to let the world know this does happen. I don't mind that you speak out on this board, about the horrors you need to get out of your mind to ease your soul. I can't imagine anyone here denying you to do so. If it bothers them, they should just skip reading your posts. And like I said, when someone does object....it's probably because they have mental problems on their own. I firmly believe that issues like you face contributed to your health today. I feel like they did to mine....and yours is much more magnifed. When your book comes out, and is a best seller....I can say I knew you when you didn't have two nickels to rub together! Connie Steven Young <say309@... Connie: I have noticed that not to many people respond to my posts. Once again I feel left out and all alone. Just like when I was young and in school. I know that I have mental problems and can`t seem to get along with other people. This dam diabetes is eating away at me little by little every day. The feeling is gone in my whole body. If I touch her boob, it feels like a water baloon. If I hug her when she is naked it feels like I am huging a rubber doll. I can`t feel the spark anymore. This is why I have no intrest in sex anymore.I know I should have and it is eating me alive. I had no pain when I had my HA and no pain after surgery. Diabetes is slowley killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. From what my mother did to me as a small child it is no wounder that I do not think or act like a normal person. For 2 years I was beaten every day and still carry the scars. One day my body had had enough and the pain stoped, I was numb from her beatings. I would cry no more. This realy pissed her off and she would beat me harder but still I would not cry. One day dad finaly seen the cuts and bruses and knocked the shit out of her and the beatings stoped. But I am still numb today. Then she started with the poison. She even took my medicine pills apart and put Thorizine in my pills. I almost died. Every day I woke up I had to be on guard as to what she was going to try next. She tryied to make me drink bleach, draino and rat poison and broke every toy I ever had. She would try to twist off my private parts as a small child and beat me there all the time. I can set here all nite telling you things that she did to me. Now can anyone see why I am a little crazy today.Life has delt me a bad hand in the game of life and I must play with what I have been delt. Humor and laffter and are my only way to deal with what she did to me. She destroyed my life and I must pick up the pieces that are left and try to move on.If the rest of the groupe does not like me talking off subject, Tough shit. I find talking about it verry helpful getting this off my chest. Steve Y. connie Turner <connieque@... Steve, The little "devil" symbol next to your signature says it all.... Those of us who've gotten to know you thru your posts over the last few months are probably chuckling because we know you are harmless. Heck, you've TOLD us yourself that you are...:0) You're probably freaking the newcomers out though! LOL! Connie Steven Young <say309@... Hell, I over do it all the time. I think this is why I am not healing rite. Every time I start to feel good I forget about my surgery and go out and give it hell. I feel great while I am working but tire quickly. When I come inside and set down the pain sets in and my arms don`t want to work.It will take me 3 days till I feel good again. I think I need rehab every day to get back in shape. I am not getting anywhere sitting for 3 days after a work out. If you want, you can shower at my house. I don`t mind cleaning up water. Just let me know when you are comeing so I can install my cam corder. Steve Y. [INLINE] connie Turner <connieque@... Sounds like you overdid again, Steve. Hope you feel better soon. Connie "Steven A. Young" <say309@... It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y. Connie Turner Connie Turner Connie Turner
To Connie and /Steve Y, Talk about something being terribly wrong in this picture, I have heard of the word dysfunctional and tried to learn where to place blame and some people are just not doing the best they can, I often wonder what makes people tic.....Is there truly evil in the world to make people have such a disregard for feelings, Steve you are basically a miracle, mabe the heart is the by-product of all the years leading up to this whole deal, I can realate totally with what has gone in in your life, mine was not quite as extreme but none the less, it happened. My Dad use to yell and swear at us like we were dogs, and my friends would look at me and say are you alright, as they were getting away from the whole scene. I grew to expect it, and swore I would never allow myself to become that type of person- I just turned my stress inward- God Bless- Have a Great Day- Keep the Faith--The best is yet to come-----Steve P. Steven Young <say309@... Connie: I have noticed that not to many people respond to my posts. Once again I feel left out and all alone. Just like when I was young and in school. I know that I have mental problems and can`t seem to get along with other people. This dam diabetes is eating away at me little by little every day. The feeling is gone in my whole body. If I touch her boob, it feels like a water baloon. If I hug her when she is naked it feels like I am huging a rubber doll. I can`t feel the spark anymore. This is why I have no intrest in sex anymore.I know I should have and it is eating me alive. I had no pain when I had my HA and no pain after surgery. Diabetes is slowley killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. From what my mother did to me as a small child it is no wounder that I do not think or act like a normal person. For 2 years I was beaten every day and still carry the scars. One day my body had had enough and the pain stoped, I was numb from her beatings. I would cry no more. This realy pissed her off and she would beat me harder but still I would not cry. One day dad finaly seen the cuts and bruses and knocked the shit out of her and the beatings stoped. But I am still numb today. Then she started with the poison. She even took my medicine pills apart and put Thorizine in my pills. I almost died. Every day I woke up I had to be on guard as to what she was going to try next. She tryied to make me drink bleach, draino and rat poison and broke every toy I ever had. She would try to twist off my private parts as a small child and beat me there all the time. I can set here all nite telling you things that she did to me. Now can anyone see why I am a little crazy today.Life has delt me a bad hand in the game of life and I must play with what I have been delt. Humor and laffter and are my only way to deal with what she did to me. She destroyed my life and I must pick up the pieces that are left and try to move on.If the rest of the groupe does not like me talking off subject, Tough shit. I find talking about it verry helpful getting this off my chest. Steve Y. connie Turner <connieque@... Steve, The little "devil" symbol next to your signature says it all.... Those of us who've gotten to know you thru your posts over the last few months are probably chuckling because we know you are harmless. Heck, you've TOLD us yourself that you are...:0) You're probably freaking the newcomers out though! LOL! Connie Steven Young <say309@... Hell, I over do it all the time. I think this is why I am not healing rite. Every time I start to feel good I forget about my surgery and go out and give it hell. I feel great while I am working but tire quickly. When I come inside and set down the pain sets in and my arms don`t want to work.It will take me 3 days till I feel good again. I think I need rehab every day to get back in shape. I am not getting anywhere sitting for 3 days after a work out. If you want, you can shower at my house. I don`t mind cleaning up water. Just let me know when you are comeing so I can install my cam corder. Steve Y. [INLINE] connie Turner <connieque@... Sounds like you overdid again, Steve. Hope you feel better soon. Connie "Steven A. Young" <say309@... It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y. Connie Turner Connie Turner Steve! arcman52@...
Steve Y., It is a good thing that you can write about your emotional scars and let it out. I'm sorry you feel people are not responding to you. I do read all your posts and my heart aches for all you have endured and then I also admire you for being strong enough to keep going. It does sound like your diabetes may be out of control and maybe you need some different medicine or at least a good check up to see what is going on in your body. Not responding emotionally to your wife may be a control issue for you. You have been hurt so much that if you dare allow yourself to feel, you might get hurt again. The diabetes and surgery may have left you feeling vulnerable and victimized again and now you just want to control what little in your life you can. It becomes a cycle that is difficult to break. Give it some thought. It sounds like you have a loving, caring wife and she is probably frustrated about how to help you. I do hope you are talking to a GOOD!! therapist that has some knowledge of how to help someone like you. Counselors are not all alike and it is important that you get someone you feel like understands and believes in you. There is so much that you really need to let go and put in proper perspective. Like not dwelling on the horrors of your childhood but trying to understand what was wrong with your parents to treat you in such a horrible way. If your mother tried to kill you and you dad did not protect you, they were both wrong and it sounds like they were pretty messed up also. Maybe if you really look at what caused them to be that way it would help you get past it. Keep posting about anything you need to say. Also maybe see if there are other support groups for adults abused as children. If not, you certainly have the ability to start one in your community. Bet you would be surprised at how many would turn out. You have shared that you are multi-talented and very bright so try to use those gifts to better advantage. I will read all your posts and answer when I feel I can offer something of value to you. Sometimes it just overwhelms me to think about the nightmare of a childhood you endured and I can't find any words to say to you except I am very, very sorry you had to go through all that. It was not right and no child should suffer like you did. Ann
Steve P., I agree with you 100% about the heart being the by product of years of pent up stress; can totally relate to what you endured. My heart goes out to you as well. A lot of people wondered why I didn't really grieve when my father died. I mean...I was sad; he was the only father I had, and for some reason children are like little puppy dogs. Dogs still love their owners even when an owner doesn't always treat them right. So, his passing was sad in that regard, and he was in agony for his final years. I had always said that when his death came that I wouldn't grieve his passing; I would grieve for the Daddy I always wanted and never had; the childhood as I wanted my childhood to be...but never got to live. I'd already done all my grieving a long time ago. I'd already been grieving since I was 10 and he started in on me; his passing was in a weird way a relief. Connie Stephen Puccio <arcman52@... To Connie and /Steve Y, Talk about something being terribly wrong in this picture, I have heard of the word dysfunctional and tried to learn where to place blame and some people are just not doing the best they can, I often wonder what makes people tic.....Is there truly evil in the world to make people have such a disregard for feelings, Steve you are basically a miracle, mabe the heart is the by-product of all the years leading up to this whole deal, I can realate totally with what has gone in in your life, mine was not quite as extreme but none the less, it happened. My Dad use to yell and swear at us like we were dogs, and my friends would look at me and say are you alright, as they were getting away from the whole scene. I grew to expect it, and swore I would never allow myself to become that type of person- I just turned my stress inward- God Bless- Have a Great Day- Keep the Faith--The best is yet to come-----Steve P. Steven Young <say309@... Connie: I have noticed that not to many people respond to my posts. Once again I feel left out and all alone. Just like when I was young and in school. I know that I have mental problems and can`t seem to get along with other people. This dam diabetes is eating away at me little by little every day. The feeling is gone in my whole body. If I touch her boob, it feels like a water baloon. If I hug her when she is naked it feels like I am huging a rubber doll. I can`t feel the spark anymore. This is why I have no intrest in sex anymore.I know I should have and it is eating me alive. I had no pain when I had my HA and no pain after surgery. Diabetes is slowley killing me and there is nothing I can do about it. From what my mother did to me as a small child it is no wounder that I do not think or act like a normal person. For 2 years I was beaten every day and still carry the scars. One day my body had had enough and the pain stoped, I was numb from her beatings. I would cry no more. This realy pissed her off and she would beat me harder but still I would not cry. One day dad finaly seen the cuts and bruses and knocked the shit out of her and the beatings stoped. But I am still numb today. Then she started with the poison. She even took my medicine pills apart and put Thorizine in my pills. I almost died. Every day I woke up I had to be on guard as to what she was going to try next. She tryied to make me drink bleach, draino and rat poison and broke every toy I ever had. She would try to twist off my private parts as a small child and beat me there all the time. I can set here all nite telling you things that she did to me. Now can anyone see why I am a little crazy today.Life has delt me a bad hand in the game of life and I must play with what I have been delt. Humor and laffter and are my only way to deal with what she did to me. She destroyed my life and I must pick up the pieces that are left and try to move on.If the rest of the groupe does not like me talking off subject, Tough shit. I find talking about it verry helpful getting this off my chest. Steve Y. connie Turner <connieque@... Steve, The little "devil" symbol next to your signature says it all.... Those of us who've gotten to know you thru your posts over the last few months are probably chuckling because we know you are harmless. Heck, you've TOLD us yourself that you are...:0) You're probably freaking the newcomers out though! LOL! Connie Steven Young <say309@... Hell, I over do it all the time. I think this is why I am not healing rite. Every time I start to feel good I forget about my surgery and go out and give it hell. I feel great while I am working but tire quickly. When I come inside and set down the pain sets in and my arms don`t want to work.It will take me 3 days till I feel good again. I think I need rehab every day to get back in shape. I am not getting anywhere sitting for 3 days after a work out. If you want, you can shower at my house. I don`t mind cleaning up water. Just let me know when you are comeing so I can install my cam corder. Steve Y. [INLINE] connie Turner <connieque@... Sounds like you overdid again, Steve. Hope you feel better soon. Connie "Steven A. Young" <say309@... It is raining here today and realy gloomy. I went for a walk around the block and found a nice Hoover sweaper in the trash. I carried it home with my arm extended. I kept switching arms and now I can hardly move them. My chest is tight and it is hard to breath. My virus was almost gone and I felt pretty good. Now my cough is back and I feel like crap again. I took the sweeper apart and found that the fan blade is broken and I can fix it for 7$. Every time I find something that makes me feel good I have to pay a price. Three days of hell for one new sweeper. Steve Y. Connie Turner Connie Turner Steve! arcman52@... Connie Turner