Hello Need Advice
I guess you could say that I've been lurking and reading just to gather information. In January of 04 my uncle had quadruple bypass it was only going to be a triple but then it became a quadruple. They doctors said that if they hadn't of caught it when they did he would have had a major coronary event and probably would have died. Since then he's had a defibrillator put in a couple more smaller heart attacks and his life style has not changed. He still smokes like a chimney he still eat the same of crap all of the time. And this scares me because he helped raise me and it scares me, with the way he's going why did he even bother having the bypass he's just clogging up his arteries again. It was also brought to my attention from other family members that he's addicted to Oxycotin so the responsible man he used to be is no longer. He lives with my great grandmother and he doesn't pay for a thing. I was also told that if something ever happened to my great grandmother my uncle would not have a home since the house is in her name and since he's not helping with bills and my cousins have started helping my great grandmother out (she'll be 93 September 18, I'm getting married September 17 of this year)if she's passes away he's without a home. Now this will start a war within my family. As if there isn't already one about what to do about my uncle I agree he probably has medical bills but he also has a job and good income he could help out some not leave it up to a 92 year old woman. Half of my family wants to blame him and put in the money to help her and half want to defend him and don't have the money to help her because they are irresponsible. I think he's depressed but he won't go see anyone and I'm worried. I don't know what to do and I'm caught in the middle I have both sides pulling me in both directions yet I can see both sides. Medical bills add up, I have plenty from having my laparascopy and then eight days later my tonsils taken out but you still have to pay your other bills also. He does have good health insurance. What do I do? LyricZada
Depression may be the least of his problems, but you could tie him up and take him to see a therapist. But would that do any good? There's nothing you can do for him if he's determined to kill himself. I'd get pretty stern as far as grandmom goes - no secondhand smoke - he can go outside if he's gotta have it. But she's only your great-grandmom so unless none of her other kids is around I doubt you have the authority to even do that. He's a grown adult with gainful employment and will quite probably inherit at least some portion of the house. I don't see where there's much you _can_ do. Just taking care of _yourself_ is all we can expect sometimes.
Dear, You sound as though you are definitely between a rock and a hard place, and at a young age are in the position of being the only one amongst a good number of relatives who is responsible and caring. Before I started to reply, I also read another post from you in response to both Bill's and Joe's responses. So, I know that although you care and love your Uncle, you do have medical concerns of your own, as well as goals in life, and responsibilites of your own to meet. Sometimes, we just have to remove ourselves from our other relative's problems. It sounds as though your uncle is hell bent on not doing any life style changes despite the second chance bypass gave him. And now there is addiction to pain meds as well. No one can make someone else change until they want it for themselves. He hasn't reached the point where he does want it for himself. So don't beat yourself up over something you really have no control. I know, because my own brother who died of cancer recently, gave me the "Oh well, it's my life and I want to smoke and I want to drink, and if I die...I only hurt myself" for almost 3 decades. The DWI arrests started happening. I can't tell you how many interventions we tried. He even got to where he wouldn't come to any social event at our homes, because he didn't want it to be another intervention. He didn't want to quit. We feared he would die in a car accident because of drinking. Worse than killing himself, we feared the call that would tell us that he had killed other innocent people because of his drinking and driving. Before he would leave at 6:30 AM to go to work, he would already have downed a 6 pack of beer. With 3 DWI's and a fear of going to jail because of it, and spending every dime he had to pay lawyers, he finally did quit drinking 4 years before his death. He had no choice but to quit or end up in prison. And I firmly believe he only quit because he finally HAD to. Due to his sentences, and they weren't complete, because he was still awaiting trail on the last DWI.....the requirements were an altered license that required him to only drive in certain counties and during certain hours, reporting to a probation officer, and a breathalizer "blow and go" on his truck. He HAD to quit because he HAD to work to pay his bills. He spent all those years picking up trash alongside the freeway as part of his sentence....even though he had a broken ankle that never healed the last year of his life. He also quit smoking 2 years before his death. He quit....but way too late to make a differnce. Yes, he always thought he would only hurt himself....but, I think that when he saw that others had to care for him at the end when his cancer became so painful, he finally realized he hurt others who cared for him too. It killed us to see his agony. So much so, that I think it brought on my need for bypass. You say that your Uncle has a good job and income. But he also seems to have an enabler. Your great Grandmother enables him to treat her the way he does. She is the only one who can stop it, since her children can't seem to have the "balls", as you put it, and step in to intervene on her behalf. You are out of state, and therefore not in the best situation to intervene. One of two things will happen: 1. Your uncle will kill himself by the simple reason that he is not making life changes to take care of himself. 2. Your Great Grandmother, the enabler, will pass first because she is elderly, and your uncle will no longer have an enabler that allows him to free load and do drugs. Provided he is not too far gone from addiction at that time, or ailments concerning his heart, or have lost his good job and income from doing the things he is doing....he will then have to face up to the fact to straighten up his act as far as his health and addiction go. Don't let yourself get put in the middle of this. Your own health and happiness is at stake. And sometimes, you have to just realize you can't control what others are doing to destroy there's. Love them, pray for them, help them if they need it....but don't enable them, and don't beat yourself up that they are choosing to do things you can't control. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Anytime you need to vent...we are here. I don't know that we have the right answers, or will say what you want to hear. But we read, we try our best...and we care. Take care, Connie lyriczada <lisa@... I guess you could say that I've been lurking and reading just to gather information. In January of 04 my uncle had quadruple bypass it was only going to be a triple but then it became a quadruple. They doctors said that if they hadn't of caught it when they did he would have had a major coronary event and probably would have died. Since then he's had a defibrillator put in a couple more smaller heart attacks and his life style has not changed. He still smokes like a chimney he still eat the same of crap all of the time. And this scares me because he helped raise me and it scares me, with the way he's going why did he even bother having the bypass he's just clogging up his arteries again. It was also brought to my attention from other family members that he's addicted to Oxycotin so the responsible man he used to be is no longer. He lives with my great grandmother and he doesn't pay for a thing. I was also told that if something ever happened to my great grandmother my uncle would not have a home since the house is in her name and since he's not helping with bills and my cousins have started helping my great grandmother out (she'll be 93 September 18, I'm getting married September 17 of this year)if she's passes away he's without a home. Now this will start a war within my family. As if there isn't already one about what to do about my uncle I agree he probably has medical bills but he also has a job and good income he could help out some not leave it up to a 92 year old woman. Half of my family wants to blame him and put in the money to help her and half want to defend him and don't have the money to help her because they are irresponsible. I think he's depressed but he won't go see anyone and I'm worried. I don't know what to do and I'm caught in the middle I have both sides pulling me in both directions yet I can see both sides. Medical bills add up, I have plenty from having my laparascopy and then eight days later my tonsils taken out but you still have to pay your other bills also. He does have good health insurance. What do I do? LyricZada Connie Turner
"I'm the type of person that carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and my shoulders just aren't big enough. I take in every stray find them homes even turtles. So the need to fix my uncle and get him off these drugs that have messed him up so bad is driving me nuts. But I know that I can't say anything I also know that if anything ever happens to my great grandmother the ripple effect through my family will be so big and wide we won't be a family anymore just people with the same genes. And that scares me how do you put a band aid on that." Lisa, (right? It is Lisa?) if not, tell me so I can call you by your name instead of "Hon" or "Dear".... I want you to read those sentences from your last post again. And then, I want to tell you that the things you are telling me about yourself, and the questions you are asking for which you already know there are no solutions.....well, many of those very words and worries could apply to me as a young girl and woman about to embark on a life of my own. I, too have always carried the weight of all of my dysfunctional family, and all the various problems created by them on my shoulders...even as a child. It is not a good feeling, is it? Conflict makes me physically ill, and I avoid it at all cost, even to the dedetermentf my own health. Take a good look at me. I ended up with a complete breakdown, and ended up with a triple bypass. I don't, nor have I ever smoked or drank. That's not what did me in. I just carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I run around trying to fix things...to please everybody, and make things okay....even if in doing so, it's worse for me. There are just certain things about those we love that can't be fixed unless the person wants them to be fixed! It doesn't hurt us any less to realize this, but we sometimes have to accept that's just the way it is. I hate to break it to you, but I think you already know ..there IS no way to put a band aid on it. You have to learn to protect yourself when you are beaten down with the agony of the heartbreak that loved ones can pile on you. And you will have to learn just how limited you are in the ability to fix other people's problems....most of them are so intent on creating them for themselves, that they don't want help. Until they want it, you can't force it on them. The really sad thing here is your Great Grandmother....and your uncle's young children. I pray he will someway realize what he's doing to people who love him and need him. As for the Grandmother, I would shield her from the knowledge of what your Uncle is doing in regards to financial. At her age...there's nothing she can do to change it, and no use to make her fret over things. After she passes, then the decision as to where he goes will be up to whoever the estate was left. As for the wedding, if you have to financially handle the expenses alone, without the aid of your Mom, then so be it. An expensive wedding does not a happy marriage make. Scale back the event to fit your ability to pay for it on your own. I've seen beautiful weddings on a shoestring budget. If you have no idea what you are going as far as event planning goes, enlist a creative friend(s)to help you with suggestions for affordable ideas; she'll (they'll) be flattered. You'll be a beautiful bride for your groom, even if it's a courthouse civil ceremony. YOU are the only one his eyes will be on for that day. I've know many young men who felt like wedding plans were getting so out of hand with a Bride having "BBridie's, that they just wanted to elope, and skip all the fancy trappings associated with big scale weddings. And in doing so, it might release even more stress that your upcoming event has placed on you. I'm just worried that your anxiety, and your dysfunctional family worries, will bring you so down that it will hurt any chance for you and your future husband to start off a marriage on the right track. You have the chance here to make sure that your future is better than the examples the adults in your life have presented. I know how tough it is to sit back and watch the people you love destroy themselves. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. None of these suggestions could apply or be of help to you; I don't know. I wish I had a band aid big enough to help all the boo-boos. I just don't. I just don't want you to end up with some of the wake-up calls that I've experienced (breakdown/bypass) before you realize that you can't help someone that won't help themselves. But feel free to post and vent anytime. Often, there are people here who can offer helpful solutions that might just work, and the support is wonderful! Take care; we care! Connie
Dear Connie----Your answer and advice---touched both my head and heart---- you are a wise and giving woman. The young woman was fortunate to receive your advice and that of the others--I wish her much luck , and hope that she is able to process some of the input you gave her. Cheers-- Nancie
To Her Timid Heart-------Great E-mail---You guys all impress me. Your wisdom and insights are wide and deep, and I hope that they help the young lady. Who knows. Looking the truth in the face can be a very difficult thing to do--but then --you shall know the truth --and the truth will set you free. Sometimes it is the truth that is the elusive element. First to find and then to follow. But let us all keep searching. Cheers---Nancie
Nancie, Cheers and Happy Valentine's Day to you. I am a giving person, don't know so much about the wise part. If I'd been wise, I would have taken some of my own advice to heart long ago, and been better off for it! Maybe wouldn't have had to end up seeking membership in this support group...LOL But since I did end up with a bypass, I thank God, that I found this group one night in a time of darkest need! Take care, Connie Connie Turner
In a message dated 2/17/2005 5:42:05 P.M. US Eastern Standard Time, say309@... writes: Wheres that PC now and what is there E Mail address. I can hack it and get them. [INLINE] Steve Y well steve if u are takin names there is this woman on the net in novia scotia that drives me nuts could u hack her also [INLINE] Star
Yes I could but I took a professional oath in computer science not to break the law. Steve Y In a message dated 2/17/2005 5:42:05 P.M. US Eastern Standard Time, say309@... writes: Wheres that PC now and what is there E Mail address. I can hack it and get them. [INLINE] Steve Y well steve if u are takin names there is this woman on the net in novia scotia that drives me nuts could u hack her also [INLINE] Star
In a message dated 2/17/2005 7:08:53 P.M. US Eastern Standard Time, say309@... writes: Yes I could but I took a professional oath in computer science not to break the law. Steve Y okie dokie... I guess we have to respect that but...ya know it was worth a try ;-)